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It’s happening and I’m not ready for it…..

This weekend should’ve been one of the best days of my life but mainly the whole time I was worrying about how am I going to make it through what is about to hit me. Saturday, my bestfriend finally made it to Georgia and she came straight to my house. I was honestly so happy that any action could not describe it. All day today we hung out too but I felt as if I ruined our time together. I wasn’t the happiest I usually am and I didn’t do anything much fun. But us being around each other is amazing too! I probably sound like gaylord right now, but you know what…I don’t care because it’s true. That how much of best friends we are. I know I’m about to go through something tough and I just want to sit here and cry knowing that she’s not going to be here comforting through the whole time.

My mom has been talking about moving again. There are many good reasons why we should move but to be honest, I don’t want to at all. She’s thinking about moving just right up the street and I can’t. I feel as if that is too much of task for me to do. I feel like a bother to my mom. A bitchy daughter who cries over anything and making a big deal of just moving up the street. If she could only see how that affects me a lot in the inside. I just feel horrible. I don’t even know how to explain this. Oh yeah, it’s called depression. I feel so numb and tired. Sleep cannot cure how tired I feel. Everything is getting overwhelming for me. I went a very long time with being happy and loving life but now I feel like I’m to break….I want to lay in bed all day crying. I don’t want to do anything. Tomorrow I have to go to school. I don’t even want to step one inch outside of my front door. I don’t know what to do. I want help. I want comfort. I want everything to stop. This is just something you cannot explain and that’s why I sound so retarded right now but I want to talk and go on and on and since I have nobody to talk to, I thought I should just blog about it. I feel like I’m going to go back to my old days..Sleeping every second I get, staying in my room all day and just feeling so numb all the time. I actually think my cutting ways will come back and my insecurities about my body and crazy dieting will come back also. What can I do? Nothing. I have nothing to say now. No words to describe this. I just took the longest nap and woke up about 2 hours ago. Now I’m gonna go back to sleep, wake up at 5 wishing that today seeing my crush’s face with make me feel better (but watch it not) and then come home to tell my mom that today was amazing. Yeah I’m gonna blog and cry then go to bed.

School Time~

I no longer have leisure time on weekdays (which somewhat sucks) so I wasn’t able to post about my day last week. So lame la. School started 8/6/12!! But I started on the 9th. Now here’s a joke (but a insider joke in my family. okay? so idc if I’m the only one laughing rn) I repeated the 4th grade because when I asked the teacher if I had to take the placement test and she said no….asshole move teacher >.> my older brother and sister always joked around when am I going to make it to high school. Like really?? BUT I FINALLY MADE IT. WUTWUT IN YO FACE. Moving on~ Yes, I am a freshman WOO. Last year I was homeschooled so me having to wake up at 5AM every morning is like a big freaking slap in the face which I don’t think I deserve but you know I’m not going to complain much because it feels like my day goes by so fast and somehow I barely get tired in school.

The first day, everything was fine alright…until it was lunch time. HAHAHA. I sat at the table alone. I didn’t care to be honest. But then people kept sitting at that table which made me think that was drawing attention to the table. Then I started to feel like the walls were closing in, my face was getting so hot and my breathing tube felt like the size of a dime. And for some reason I started crying! LIKE REALLY. But whatever. Boolah, boolah. I don’t think I had control over it tbh. The worst anxiety attack I had so far in my life. So at lunch time I just sit in the library studying Korean or reading a book. Ya know, just chilling~~~

I have Spanish 2, Algebra 1, Gym, Life Bio, History Honors & LA honors.

I haven’t spoken or did anything including spanish in 4 years so yeah I suck balls. I’m on level 2 because I thought I could handle it…I sort of can’t haha BUT THAT’S OKAY. I can catch up la!! In math class, all the problems confuse me and I get so frustrated and mad but when I take tests I get a 100% BWAHAHA. And to be honest, I cannot believe I’m about to say this… but uhhh…I actually like gym. Elementary school it’s fun because all you do is play active games. I seriously hated gym SO MUCH in middle school so when I saw I had to take it I was disappointed but now I like it! We do legit workouts and I actually enjoy the workouts since I’m one those “stay healthy” wannabe type of people xD Also because ever since my mom has gave our dog away, my brother never wants to go on jogs and I can’t go jogging without him. Today we did about 20 or so laps of jogging and walking. I was seriously dripping sweat. I never ever sweat so just know that was a hardcore workout. Then 50 mini crunches. Those things hurt more than sit-ups!!!  Anywhoo, I have a crush on someone who is in my gym class! YES REALLY. I really don’t understand why I must be crushing like seriously this time in my life I shouldn’t be studying boys! I should be studying books! I can somewhat tells someone’s personality and how they are just by looking at them and examining them. Just watching him makes me smile and laugh and he looks like the type of people I can seriously talk to. My ‘gym friend’ said that he’s in her math class and he’s really smart and basically act as if he was a big nerd. On a scale of 1-10, I would rate him an 8.5 while the rest of the world would probably rate him a 2 or some thing like that. I think he’s very cute and dorky. But I’m not gonna be a weirdo and walk up to him and talk to him or tell him that I like him. Aish, sometimes I wish I had the balls to that. Just to approach him and be his friend. He doesn’t look like a mean, judgmental cunt so I shouldn’t be scared to go up to him. I stare at him all the time so maybe he will eventually realize LOL. Ugh wouldn’t it be so cute to have a boyfriend who is like also your bestfriend and you guys do things together like studying, blogging, and acting like weirdos. But that will never happen. I’m laughing as I type this because I am forever alone~

Continuing~ I hate Science class so much. I pay attention, takes notes and everything. Watch me fail the quiz tomorrow even though I’m going to study my butt off for it! And the class just feels sooOooOoooO boring. I’m trying to like it since I’m going to school for Dermatology but yeah it’s not happening man. History ♥ OH how I love you. You are so interesting and very very easy♥♥ That is seriously my favorite subject. I took our first graded test/quiz and I got only one wrong but the teacher said I will get a 100 on the test because I got the answer wrong on the question they were contemplating on taking out so WOOOOO. And to be honest, we haven’t done much in Language Arts. I have an awesome funny teacher. I suck so much at writing so hopefully she can help me to be better at it! I will forever love her if she can because seriously, every teacher teacher I had since I moved from Massachusetts have failed to teach me to do it. Yeah I don’t know how to sign how to sign up for activities for school either.. I went on the website looking for it and they never say anything about it on the intercom…But seriously I feel as if everyone has signed up for everything during summer vacation because soccer, basketball and so on are already training!! But that’s okay, I don’t like playing sports except for swimming. I really wanted to be in band..I wasn’t able to play violin for so long because I couldn’t make up my mind on what I wanted to do and when I finally did, we were too freaking poor. Then schools are usually lame and usually have trumpets and that type of crap and not a string orchestra BUT THIS SCHOOL DOES. I was spazzing a little inside.. too bad I can’t join because the last time I played the violin was in 3rd grade. But you know what, I’ll be after you string band…next year you shall see me playing in you >.> My mum has gotten a job so this year I get to learn again. yeep. but seriously can she hurry up and find be a tutor. I’m so excited and impatient. It feels like the violin is the missing piece to my puzzle that I have been searching for centuries. The only reason I get to write this post right is because all I had for homework was to study for my science test tomorrow but I forgot my book full of notes (sshhhh) so all I can do is study my vocab ;/ OH. Did I say I have no friends? HA HA HA HA. I seriously don’t care. I came to school for teachers cuz I missed them like crazy last year (it was so hard not having teachers omg) I’m like a loner. People would expect me to feel sad but I seriously don’t care. Eventually I know I’ll make friends (or not HAHAHA) More of my awesomeness to myself ;D But seriously I have to go to bed early so yeah I need to get my studying and eating on before I go to sleep so I’m gonna stop typing now~~