untitled.

My last post was a pile of crap- thanks mobile blogger for deleting basically everything in that post before publishing it .  I just basically complained about how I don’t want to be here and how disappointing our apartment was as if we were paying this high price just for the view. I try not to think about how much I miss my friends and Atlanta in general because I get emotional haha. I miss the warmer weather, the multicultural environment and just the people man. 

I need to remember to calm down. Sometimes things are not as bad as it seems. I need to remember that everything is going to be okay. It may suck now, but eventually I will be okay; it’s not the end of the world. Lastly, I need to remember to forgive myself. A lot of things I blame myself for is not my fault yet I walk around with this guilt. I think it’s normal to sometimes automatically blame yourself for problems but I just need to remember at the end of the day to forgive myself.

I watched a couple Korean action movies recently and I also recently watched ‘My Love From the Star’ (I haven’t watched the last episode yet) and last night I began watching ‘A Gentleman’s Dignity’. So far, this drama is good and I was a big fan of MLFTS. My emotions have been on a rollercoaster. Most of the time I’m usually feeling down so I just end up complaining a lot but it’s not good to always complain to your friends because it’s basically like a disease- spreading negativity plus I do need to give it a break. I remembered that I have my OWN blog that I talk about anything I want so I guess I will briefly vent on here time to time since it seems helpful. I let it all out without affecting others around me. I haven’t started school yet and I will probably have a lot of alone time since I’m new in town. If I were still in Georgia right now, I would be in my last minute in class of last period (it’s  2:06 right now and class ends at 2:07 then we go home at 2:10
). When I finally get home, I would eat and watch an episode of a drama until it was time to pick up my younger siblings from the bus stop. afterwards, I would work out or dance (same thing basically) and maybe watch another episode of a show and then start on my homework and studying. Honestly, I kind of miss studying/learning. Especially now that I have my own room, I probably could make some bomb grades right about now.~thoughts of a high schooler~ . I will take go take a shower which will be the highlight of my day =.=

Feelings and thoughts

I'm called ungrateful for not having the se fairy tale dream as you. I'm the worst child because I have a high pitched voice that sounds like I'm whining. I'm disrespectful because I corrected your mistake.

Age does not define you and unlike most people, I realized that. You should be wise when older but sometimes, it's not that way. Why compare me to another person? We are different people for certain reasons: different thoughts, different perspectives, different dreams/goals etc.

I can die in a luxurious way..is that what I should be grateful for? Everyone is materialistic but to an extent. You desire and appreciate materials whereas I desire and appreciate family (and I do not mean blood-related; create my own family), and being familiar+happy with things. I am once again miserable missing a place where it felt like home just for that short moment. 

Nobody wants to be an adult and have that many responsibilities but when you're stuck in a situation you can't get out of until you're an adult, you would crave and dream of moments when you finally get to escape and let your wings spread widly and stretch.

I hope to stop beig misunderstood and I hope for people to stop being wicked. I am not a toy, my life is precious. I will not walk the way you position me to walk because I have a mind of my own so I will walk the path it tells me to go. I am not selfish, i am just older. You expect me to hibernate in this birds nest my whole life like the others but I WILL NOT. Soon I will be able to live my life. Until then, try to endure all the piles of crap being thrown at you. I will not give up like a coward, watch me.

Starting over

It's 8:30pm and I'm just feeling very sappy and I don't have internet nor my computer (except my phone) so I will try to go to sleep.

Burst bubble of thoughts

I somewhat do live by the saying "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all". When you're all upset, you can say a lot of harsh things that you don't mean. Instead of regretting, know when to stop talking. Now I don't think I will forgive this person anytime soon. I'm stuck in a sticky situation where I need support not hypocritical backstabbers.

It's 4:40AM and I'm wide awake wishing certain aspects of my life were better. (I don't know the exact meaning of "aspect" so hopefully I used it right- too lazy to google it).

I wish I could be smiling or actually, at this time..be sleeping. I'm sitting here with an expressionless face which seems quite pathetic to me right now. Sobbing will not change a thing about my life. Insomnia. Depression. Aniexty. I wish all three of you would leave my life permanently. You make my life harder than it really needs to be and I'm sick of it. I cannot promise that I will not think about dying but I will promise I will no longer try to die. You know why? It's really not worth it. I will not know whether or not my future will be bright if I'm dead. My friend told me that not every single day is bad which is true. I have more bad days than good ones but that might just mean my future will have more good days than bad ones. It will all pay off in the end. Nothing that pays off is easy like high scool and college so I should not give up so easily. I will eventually win this tug of war but of course, that is if I get off my butt and try. I guess I was just my shoulder to cry on which means friends aren't as important and I should care for them. I will be alone in two so I should think of it as a norm right now. 

The text in this post is not organized yet that doesn't matter since this is my blog and most likely only one other person would read this. Goodnight~ most likely will watch a drama rather than sleep

Happy Birthday to me!

I turned 17. My birthday wasn’t exciting at all mainly because I am still sick (and have been for a week and a  half now).  I woke up around 11 since school was cancelled due to ice storm (that has yet to hit by the way) and then I danced around the house for a while and then decided to clean. I drove around for a while with my older  brother and sister and we bough boba tea because I have really been craving it lately. afterwards, we went to get pho but my brother sister and didn’t want to eat that so we had korean bbq instead. It was pretty nice since the waitresses were so nice and we laughed a lot with them. also, the pork tasted the bomb!

I didn’t take a lot of pictures since I haven’t been self-camwhore for about 2 years now.  I might edit this and pictures through my phone but they aren’t as cool. I just felt the need to update because it was my birthday. It’s now 10:49 and I ate a couple cupcakes while sobbing because I am yet again feeling sad for some odd reason. I think I will lay in bed and watch a drama until I fall asleep. By the way, the drama I’m watching is ‘My Love From The Star’ and it’s pretty good! I really enjoy it so if you’re reading this right now and haven’t watched it, I highly suggest you do.

Thoughts in bed

I usually try to not write posts like this but I'm so pissed off and aggravated. Nobody freaking likes me like why. Everybody treats me like I'm pathetic and slow in the head like why.

Everyone makes me feel like a nobody and I feel very pathetic. I feel like if I walk through a hallway full of people, they will point their fingers at me and just laugh at me.

Am I that ugly to you? Will you not talk to me because I'm black? You got too many girls wrapped around your finger and that's why you treat me like useless trash? It's so frustrating and there is nothing I can do about it. I just sit here silently and wait until night time to cry about it. I feel like this cycle is endless. I don't even have a shoulder to cry on and it freaking sucks. I only have my damn self. Everyone says it's okay EVERYTHING IS OKAY. Will it be okay when I'm dead? Like really sometimes it's fine to feel this way but I feel like this all the time. It makes me feel like I'm better off dead than feeling this. I am surrounded by people yet so lonely. I may sound like a fruit bag for saying this but I'm literally screaming in the inside. 

My anxiety is coming back and I hate you all.