Vida

LIFE. It has been really interesting so far. Losing it all and feeling like I'm in quicksand to having access to practically everything and finally having the opportunity to feel hope. I'm officially twenty one and I honestly can't believe I've survived for this long but I'm beyond grateful and blessed to be one of the lucky ones who spontaneously decided not to give up. As I've gotten both professional help and a support system, it has been a big eye-opener for what I've been missing out on because I let my depression and anxiety hold me back for so long. But here I am, no longer letting it define me. Happiness to me, is something that can kind of be a choice and something not necessarily earned easily. I wouldn't say I'm the most happiest person but I am no longer devastated and that is one of the best feelings ever.

Over the last three years, since my family abandoned me, I have progressed so much with my personal goals. I achieved many of them, created outstanding new ones and focusing on that. I vividly remember one time my mother telling me she would make my life a living hell and made sure I wouldn't even get to finish high school. That stuck with me so long and the main reason was because the person who gave birth to me literally hated my guts so much she openly told me she was going to ruin my life. It was creepy to know how insane she was and how much I meant nothing to her but a burden because I wasn't a slave and refused to ever be one. Another reason it stuck with me was because it was an eye opener that even your own mother would be the one out against you. Just imagine it though, it happens a lot! You tell someone you claim is your friend about your goals and they yap on and on about how it's not possible. Isn't that creepy? Rather than motivating you or supporting you, they tear it down. But here I am mom, the first child of yours in college.  Here I am, mom: the first person in our family to own a luxury car. Here I am, mom! I am the first person in our family to be able to pay my bills on time and finish a lease. I am the first person to see savings in a savings account. ETC ETC ETC. The list goes on. And not to rub in anyone's face, but I am proud. I am so proud of myself and through this journey, I realized being my own hype man is enough to keep me going. Shout out to my amazing boyfriend and the little friends that stuck around. Cheers to this journey that still continues. 

Long time no see, Blog.

I'm now an independent adult, with responsibilities such as an apartment, bills, career path, etc. Looking back when I was younger and sobbing, I always thought this time of my life, where I'm on my own and able to have control over my own life would be the highlight of my life and a reset on whatever happened throughout my youth - the past was the past. My thoughts were wrong because my same issues followed me into my adulthood and instead of living a happy life as I expected myself to, I'm honestly miserable time to time. Sometimes, like now, I want to give up on life and feel hopeless. As I cried hysterically over my shitty job I have to endure because I have bills to pay, I learned a valuable life lesson. As Pretty Ricky has said, "age ain't nothing but a number". The grass is greener on the other but sure as hell isn't vibrant as society made it out to be. Life is beautiful and something I want to experience as long as I can while on the other hand, society makes me want to give up and end this beautiful journey short. So cheers to this shitty ass world and let's see how far I make it.

I didn't like Beyonce ...but

In the car, I could sing a long to her greatest hits like "Halo" and talk about "every thing in the box to the left!" Being American, you're bound to sing a long to a couple of Beyonce's song but reality was, I wasn't for her. I wasn't a fan nor did I care about the big hype about her. Rumors spread around that she bleached her skin multiple times and do you see her hair? Always in blonde weave/wigs. She was an idol that many girls of color looked up to. How could I think she's right and wonderful when our people are hurting and she's not using her fame to make awareness (didn't say move mountains, just awareness)? I admit there is nothing wrong with coloring your hair/bleaching your skin but she never clarified which it made her whole style questionable....until now Oh yes, I am indeed talking about her new song,Formation. Because I suck and haven't been on Blogger forever, I don't know how to insert a widget link to the song. If you're American and you watched the Super Bowl, you should have heard it. With it being Black History Month, it's a great time to release! Based off my observations and reading other's explanations, the 'X' formation represented Malcom X as well as the outfits representing the Black Panthers and as well as a legend, Michael Jackson. The trap beat a long with some dance moves incorporated like the 'Milly Rock' represented some of Black American culture. The vibe I got from the song was: I love my skin, I love my ethnic background. I love my daughter's curly hair as well our black African noses. You see how successful I am? You can too. I am black, you're black, rock who you are. Don't be ashamed, be happy with who you are and hold it up with pride. My favorite part of the music video had to be the little kid dancing in front of the cops, puts his hands up and the police as well put their hands up. Whether we want to sugar coat or pull excuses out of our ass, police brutality has been real especially on the youth. Innocent children being murdered and there is little awareness made from celebrities. I'm guessing out of fear of their popularity, there wasn't much said and this is why I appreciated Beyonce for that. Even though it was good..it was also bad...and also kind of stupid STUPID??? WHAT?? Well yes I love how for younger crowds they won't think about it that hard but Beyonce is kind of a hypocrite. The back up dancers wore their natural hair but not once did Beyonce be courageous enough to make a statement and show or rock her natural hair. Let me guess...she contoured (which matters if you got lyrics talking about you like 'black' noses)?? And we still can't take back all those bleaching sessions she definitely did do. I'm all for plastic surgery and doing whatever floats your boat to yours body. I'm very prideful in my origins and though I don't care to get anything done, I am secure with my identity enough to do so. I think Beyonce struggled like every one of us did with our identity. White supremacy is real and it has a global affect. Being in the spotlight, I could see how difficult it is to not get so caught up in what other people think of you or what you think is best aesthetically to do for the sake of your career or even your current self-esteem. I get it. I'm extremely understanding and whatever is in the past is in the past (referring to skin bleaching). So how about now? Why couldn't Beyonce rock her natural hair if she was promoting "Black Pride". Being purely honest, I would tell people how mixed I was to dilute my blackness because I was ashamed. Now I say it because it's my ethnicity, nationality and race. 3 different things that explain who I am, the way I act and my culture but Creole...bitchhhhhhhhhhhh really? Creole? When she said that I related and thought, "that totally sounds like 11 year old me trying to dilute my blackness and still feel accepted by non people of color". Beyonce has had enough time to go through that stage of 'finding herself' and going through an identity crisis. She too damn old for that. Even though, we think we know everything about an idol, we don't. I don't know how she was raised but I question it for sure if her sister can rock her afro and be hella pro-black and Beyonce over here claiming shit that is not relevant at all to the "message" she trying to give, am I right? And yes my view of Creole people is going off the first picture of them Google decided to display

And maybe it was just me the song felt centered around her. I definitely don't think the song itself (secluding the MV she has now made private wtf- also make me question her more) had a message for black men and was directed for an audience of young women (emphasize on young okay). A big fan of TriniTrent and he lost me at first opposing against Beyonce so hard but he made total sense so it really make me think harder about her intentions because truth is where was she about 2 or 3 years ago when this was going on. Ferguson? She had a say or no? Exactly. The song feels like it describes her as such a successful person and pretty much saying "i did it and so can you". It reaches one audience and I can understand why she lost everyone else because it wasn't for everyone. I know her fans are going hype and anyone opposes it is crazy but I literally think it was made for them. I was grateful she at least did that and helped guid these girls with undeveloped brains to love themselves. Beyonce never felt the American 'black struggle' as hard as the rest of us but I'll definitely give credit where it's due. Another reason why I'm not that mad is that so many racist ass white people so mad over a song about black people played in the month of black history that they start to use racist slurs. The government can alter all of our history books and make sure the next generations are brainwashed to think how innocent white people are but black people can't have 28 (this year 29) days of self-empowerment and acknowledge accomplishments of a group of colored people that is usually ignored the rest of the year? Make sense..total sense and I was gonna attach some photos to show how butt-hurt people were and the racist backlash but I believe y'all get the jiff and I'm honestly been too busy and keep putting this post as a draft so how about no.

Long Time, No See!

I remember being so active with blogging even if it wasn't here but on Tumblr. I would invest a lot of my time and just have days where I would relax with a cup of tea or coffee and be typing/clicking for hours upon hours. Sounds chaotic but aside from exercising, it was definitely something I did for fun and enjoyed. Why did I stop? Well real life hit me very hard. Since the last time I updated this blog, my life has made a total  180 and has become something I have never expected it to turn out in a million years. Not that it's a bad thing but time flies and it's shocking.

I lack outlets other than friends and I shouldn't rely on other people and try to enjoy more things on my own so here I am blowing the dust off this keyboard (so dramatic) and crossing fingers that I start using this blog and Tumblr more actively.

Thanksgiving Break.

A desperate break for American high school students nationwide has been given. Will we use this time wisely??  Most likely not because I sure haven’t so far! Despite it being a break, we have to continue to study diligently for final exams that we will be faced with right after this break ends (yes horrible, right???) I started writing this yesterday but got side tracked by all the shows I’m behind on and watched those for a good 10 hours in total. I’ve decided I wanted to post more especially with photos which my blog lacks. Haha maybe I will get more readers but if not idc cuz I am a pretty boring person.

I have so many things to study and to do before next Monday comes yet it’s Monday and I haven’t started anything. About a year or two ago I made a post about the Samsung Galaxy Note 2 that I was dying to get but I wasn’t able to and today (11/24) I will be getting the Samsung Galaxy Note 4 unless another phone steals my heart which I highly doubt. I really hate iPhones. I always did but long story short, I was stuck with an iPhone 4s not by choice and it was fun to have a very standard phone that everyone else had, but now I’m happy to get an android phone that has updated software that is actually reasonable for its price unlike iPhones!

Update: (11/28)…Got too invested into Korean dramas and never finished writing this post and I think this will continue happening with this so I will leave this like it is. So sad that I leave in two days ughhhghufkj. This was a vacation that I probably will cherish forever into the future years of my life. Happy belated Thanksgiving to everyone. I had a crapload of turkey with cranberry sauce and many other delicious dishes…so now I think it’s time for me to finally start studying LOL.

God has blessed me.

It's been a long time that I have been able to update this blog but mainly because my living situation for a while makes it this way. Many things have been occurring in my life- some good and some bad.i always felt so down and like there wasn't a reason for living after a while. Things seriously just got so tough but I had patience with myself. And because I had that patience, God blessed me in return in so many ways. One thing I'm very grateful for is being able to see my best friend. I wrote a lot of posts about her haha and without a doubt some are good and some are bad and despite having a hilly relationship, we are best friends again and I'm able to be by her side during this tough patch that she is going through right now in her life. There are so many possibilities of things that could've happened to her but you know what? She is fine! She is that best friend that is like your sister, your other half and I thank God so much for making sure she was alright. And I thank God for reassuring me that things will be alright which is one of the things I have to remember when I start overreacting which is very often. God doesn't have control over my life but he is here by my side guiding me so right now I will make sure I will get up and do something with my life rather than just saying it and not really doing it and then feeling like a failure. I will end this post here. Have a lovely day after Halloween!

08.26.14–New Blog URL

Didn’t have the chance or the time to change/create a new banner for my blog but decided to change my url to something more “relevant” to me which is a name I am known and/or called by. I have had my ups and downs throughout these last couple of months. I’m a junior in high school and have all the classes that I wanted. This year will probably be one of the toughest years in high school for me (and even my friends) but I know it’s all worth it at the end. With a mindset that is more positive than it was in the past, I hope that year to come also becomes filled with good moments that I share and I extremely hope to meet a new group of people who loved and cared for me just as much as my group of friends did back in town I lived in before moving here. Whenever I get frustrated or want a break from schoolwork to complain or something, I will probably update this blog more often instead of unintentionally abandoning it. Went to some hardships this year but I honestly cannot let it control my life and I.

Read an article about how people in abusive relationships are kind of in a way tricked into staying with the abuser and “enduring” the pain he/she gives him but it’s not because that person is crazy, but that abuser is crazy and sometimes it takes you a while for you to snap out of it. That little section was referring to my online stalker that basically blackmailed me after trying my best to make that person on the other end feel liked or loved since I know how it feels not to receive that. But you…you need help okay I cannot help you and I feel extremely happy focusing on improving my happiness instead of yours (seemed like you don’t even want to be happy anyways to be honest). This post was me procrastinating to my homework in way. Actually I just feel too lazy to sit up. I hope to be more open to doing new things on this blog and do more views and maybe take photos to add onto my blog for my small group of readers (I see y’all even though you refuse to follow me! Ahem!!!)