Thanksgiving Break.

A desperate break for American high school students nationwide has been given. Will we use this time wisely??  Most likely not because I sure haven’t so far! Despite it being a break, we have to continue to study diligently for final exams that we will be faced with right after this break ends (yes horrible, right???) I started writing this yesterday but got side tracked by all the shows I’m behind on and watched those for a good 10 hours in total. I’ve decided I wanted to post more especially with photos which my blog lacks. Haha maybe I will get more readers but if not idc cuz I am a pretty boring person.

I have so many things to study and to do before next Monday comes yet it’s Monday and I haven’t started anything. About a year or two ago I made a post about the Samsung Galaxy Note 2 that I was dying to get but I wasn’t able to and today (11/24) I will be getting the Samsung Galaxy Note 4 unless another phone steals my heart which I highly doubt. I really hate iPhones. I always did but long story short, I was stuck with an iPhone 4s not by choice and it was fun to have a very standard phone that everyone else had, but now I’m happy to get an android phone that has updated software that is actually reasonable for its price unlike iPhones!

Update: (11/28)…Got too invested into Korean dramas and never finished writing this post and I think this will continue happening with this so I will leave this like it is. So sad that I leave in two days ughhhghufkj. This was a vacation that I probably will cherish forever into the future years of my life. Happy belated Thanksgiving to everyone. I had a crapload of turkey with cranberry sauce and many other delicious dishes…so now I think it’s time for me to finally start studying LOL.

God has blessed me.

It's been a long time that I have been able to update this blog but mainly because my living situation for a while makes it this way. Many things have been occurring in my life- some good and some bad.i always felt so down and like there wasn't a reason for living after a while. Things seriously just got so tough but I had patience with myself. And because I had that patience, God blessed me in return in so many ways. One thing I'm very grateful for is being able to see my best friend. I wrote a lot of posts about her haha and without a doubt some are good and some are bad and despite having a hilly relationship, we are best friends again and I'm able to be by her side during this tough patch that she is going through right now in her life. There are so many possibilities of things that could've happened to her but you know what? She is fine! She is that best friend that is like your sister, your other half and I thank God so much for making sure she was alright. And I thank God for reassuring me that things will be alright which is one of the things I have to remember when I start overreacting which is very often. God doesn't have control over my life but he is here by my side guiding me so right now I will make sure I will get up and do something with my life rather than just saying it and not really doing it and then feeling like a failure. I will end this post here. Have a lovely day after Halloween!

08.26.14–New Blog URL

Didn’t have the chance or the time to change/create a new banner for my blog but decided to change my url to something more “relevant” to me which is a name I am known and/or called by. I have had my ups and downs throughout these last couple of months. I’m a junior in high school and have all the classes that I wanted. This year will probably be one of the toughest years in high school for me (and even my friends) but I know it’s all worth it at the end. With a mindset that is more positive than it was in the past, I hope that year to come also becomes filled with good moments that I share and I extremely hope to meet a new group of people who loved and cared for me just as much as my group of friends did back in town I lived in before moving here. Whenever I get frustrated or want a break from schoolwork to complain or something, I will probably update this blog more often instead of unintentionally abandoning it. Went to some hardships this year but I honestly cannot let it control my life and I.

Read an article about how people in abusive relationships are kind of in a way tricked into staying with the abuser and “enduring” the pain he/she gives him but it’s not because that person is crazy, but that abuser is crazy and sometimes it takes you a while for you to snap out of it. That little section was referring to my online stalker that basically blackmailed me after trying my best to make that person on the other end feel liked or loved since I know how it feels not to receive that. But you…you need help okay I cannot help you and I feel extremely happy focusing on improving my happiness instead of yours (seemed like you don’t even want to be happy anyways to be honest). This post was me procrastinating to my homework in way. Actually I just feel too lazy to sit up. I hope to be more open to doing new things on this blog and do more views and maybe take photos to add onto my blog for my small group of readers (I see y’all even though you refuse to follow me! Ahem!!!)

Summa time

My lovely best friend of a computer stopped working I believe about 2 months ago and that is the reason why I haven’t posted a legit post in a while (mobile blogger just isn’t the same). Also, summer started so more time a lone to myself aka jotting more of my thoughts down to my lovely blog that I missed dearly. Hello, to my basically non-existent blog readers.

Right now I’m thinking about the possible retarded things that I wrote in older blog posts and how I won’t read it so I won’t care and have the temptation to read it haha. I moved so really trying to find a job here in walking distance of my house because I’m in desperate need of a job right now For some odd reason, right when summer started, I got really into League of Legends. I’m basically starting from scratch and I need a freaking mouse! The struggle is real playing with a touchpad (god bless your soul if you’re able to comfortably play with one) aLSOoooo, time to spend all the free I have studying Korean and I’m finally going to research and buy a textbook if I just had the money :~) let’s see how my summer goes. Hopefully less mood swings and more fun and motivation.

A response

This a response I sent to yet another person always too "busy" to respond. After everyone using this as an excuse, it has became my pet peeve to hear when it's clearly obvious why that is not the reason they went days, weeks, and months to messages I sent them that they have read. They were free enough to read but busy enough not to reply.

At 16, I was able to get a job and eventually work "full time". School started, took some AP and gifted classes and was still working 25 hours a week at the minimum. Of course during my whole shifts I wasn't constantly busy. It was a nice time to reply to the messages my friend sent me. 30min break that was cut in half by manager, it was still enough time to reply to friends or tell them "sorry let's talk later! I'm at work".  I get home at 11:30 on a Monday night just to study and do my stacks of homework. "Studying I'll reply later". Sent each of my friends a message before going to bed because it only takes .5 seconds to write and send. You and I different. Every second of each 24 hour day, I wasn't consistently doing something. I'm thoughtful whereas you are not. This is my point. I cannot have an expectation of others because we are all different BUT there is a limit. Just explaining it instead of ignoring a message is more helpful to me which I think you would try to respect if you recommended me as a friend. But I have removed any expectations or any thoughts of you putting effort into doing something I believe is so simple so I won't get attatched to the idea and causing my own damn self to get hurt. But I will always be here. I will reply when taking a shit because my hands are free and I will reply when at the gym because it takes only a couple seconds to slow down and reply. 

Hmm..update?

Haven't updated in a long time, but things are still the same as if my life is a song put on repeat. Right now, and as usual, I'm struggling with a certain situation. It sucks so bad and it's scary how this can determine whether or not I'm happy. It's my fault for putting myself in this situation but it really hurts to much. Hopefully I'll get through this and actually blog an interesting/positive post.

Random

It's 11:28AM and I was scrolling through instagram and found out a blogger I read got  plastic surgery so I wanted to go on their blog and see if they talked about it because I haven't been using the computer lately (as I explained why in my previous post)  so I wouldn't know. I'm in school aka no computer nor am I so desperate to search it on the web on my phone but that's fine since I have handy-dandy bloglovin downloaded! But I couldn't find her blog :( I wanted to see if I could find my own blog at least so I searched in my URL, but just the name part and realized that a lot of Vietnamese people also use this name or actually have their first name as Liling (this was my whole point btw) wtf so weird. I never really say my URL out loud but I love it because it reminds me "Lilly" and I really like that name and that's the main reason when I randomly found this name on a baby name website (hahaha), I used it. I follow/admire a lot of Asian bloggers in the Malaysia/Singapore area. I have interest in South Korea and their language whereas I also have interest in someday learning other Asian languages like Chinese and Vietnamese. It feels so awkward that these are some things about me PLUS my URL is Asian (slecifically Chinese from my research) PLUSPLUSPLUS. It's extremely awkward since the only Asian I would have in me is Indian LOL (I did want to learn Hindi also but the language looks like it's doing too much-same with Chinese but Chinese could benefit me way more than Hindi job-wise). I feel like my interests are just flowing through like wind and wish people would think of me the same way I do. First when I was young a combination of central/South America and India. Then European countries like Russia, Germany and Sweden. I just happen to be in Asia and now at an age where I have to decided to stay in one place until I fulfill my mission in this area aka become freaking fluent in Korean before moving on to not just a differen continent but NOT even a different country in this cotinent man. Idk I'm not really making sense right now but i think I got my point over. Lunch has ended so I shall be walking to English class which I'm already dreading.

Word?

Unemployed, too old to sign for most lacrosse camps, lonely, fat and bored.

Really wish I had a job- recently found out about a website selling awesome shoes (shoes is what i mainly spend all my money on when i had a job) but I will not dare to gaze because there is no point since i'm legit broke.

Wanted to start fresh and improve my lacrosse during the summer but mainly all of the camps are for age groups that only go up to 16. wtf! big kids want to improve their skill too!! 

Legit a loner. Don't really mind but just so sad haha I really do miss hanging out with my friends and actually having people to talk to in school (at least at lunch man! i freaking study math during an HOUR long lunch. you really think i want to be doing that? ugh)

My mom has 5 kids and we all lived together until about a month ago. Now it's just 3 of us with my mom and I don't think she is used to this less amount of mouths to feed aka a lot of food aka i'm gaining weight (technically i'm not since i work out a lot but this just means i don't lose weight fml)

I don't have any friends nor have I been fascinated with Tumblr or a drama recently so I have been extremely bored doing absolutely nothing around my house. 

ALSO: my computer broke!! I really have no clue why but now that I finally want to include pictures in my posts, I'm not able to since I'm always using one of my mom's computers and that's awkward. Well we'll see. I'll see with everything- what direction things will go. Hmm very curious 

refreshing.

People change. They still have the same characteristics but they are changed. You turned into the poop that comes out my ass. Yep; there is no other way to put that. You are not dead to me because you are very much alive but just a person I can no longer appreciate because there is no reason to. We all make excuses for things sometimes. I even admit that I sometimes make excuses because it’s true. There is no excuse for this situation though. I think by now, anyone and everyone who has talked to me at least once in somewhat depth knows that I prefer people who are blunt and cut to the chase. I’m annoying? Please let me know. I’m irritating you? Please let me know. It’s hilarious how I was your bestfriend for all the years and you still do not ever confront me. Now I realize that I wasn’t your bestfriend, just a person that pestered you.
It’s okay because now you also pester me so now we are both even. Just like you, I will be mute and put others before you. I will not think of you and our memories we shared because it has become irrelevant to me. If this is your definition of being a bestfriend, then I must say you have a sick way of thinking or you’re simply a everyday jokester. I always thought of myself (I also thought of others but barely expressed it since I always talked about myself) but now it’s opposite; you only think of yourself. I will not wish you happiness but I wish you felt the pain I felt trying to make this friendship last. Shout out to my homies who kept it real since day 1 and still are even though I have moved. My friend who told me I was doing too much when I was hyper in class, and told me I was clingy with an ugly guy and went overboard: I appreciate you. I don’t know, I think simple things like that, you should be doing with your friends. Sharing your honest opinions and being there for each other regardless of situations. of course I’m writing  a blog post about this because #1: I can and #2: this person was once someone very important in my life and it’s hilarious how they were so important to me and I wasn’t anything lol and that’s not how I roll so I will sashay away because she’s tragic and just another situation I believe I should not be sweating about.

I learned a lot recently. I’m learning and getting closer to being a happy person. Deleted a lot of numbers in my phone and deleted many people off of social networks. They were people who I tried to socialize with but they treated me like an irrelevant person so it’s now my turn to treat you like they are irrelevant because they are now at this point. Now I’m realizing things like this, I hope to see my posts gradually becoming more positive.

I was gonna post some selfies to this post but my computer is acting crazy so I will just end it here and continue to surf the web~~

untitled.

My last post was a pile of crap- thanks mobile blogger for deleting basically everything in that post before publishing it .  I just basically complained about how I don’t want to be here and how disappointing our apartment was as if we were paying this high price just for the view. I try not to think about how much I miss my friends and Atlanta in general because I get emotional haha. I miss the warmer weather, the multicultural environment and just the people man. 

I need to remember to calm down. Sometimes things are not as bad as it seems. I need to remember that everything is going to be okay. It may suck now, but eventually I will be okay; it’s not the end of the world. Lastly, I need to remember to forgive myself. A lot of things I blame myself for is not my fault yet I walk around with this guilt. I think it’s normal to sometimes automatically blame yourself for problems but I just need to remember at the end of the day to forgive myself.

I watched a couple Korean action movies recently and I also recently watched ‘My Love From the Star’ (I haven’t watched the last episode yet) and last night I began watching ‘A Gentleman’s Dignity’. So far, this drama is good and I was a big fan of MLFTS. My emotions have been on a rollercoaster. Most of the time I’m usually feeling down so I just end up complaining a lot but it’s not good to always complain to your friends because it’s basically like a disease- spreading negativity plus I do need to give it a break. I remembered that I have my OWN blog that I talk about anything I want so I guess I will briefly vent on here time to time since it seems helpful. I let it all out without affecting others around me. I haven’t started school yet and I will probably have a lot of alone time since I’m new in town. If I were still in Georgia right now, I would be in my last minute in class of last period (it’s  2:06 right now and class ends at 2:07 then we go home at 2:10
). When I finally get home, I would eat and watch an episode of a drama until it was time to pick up my younger siblings from the bus stop. afterwards, I would work out or dance (same thing basically) and maybe watch another episode of a show and then start on my homework and studying. Honestly, I kind of miss studying/learning. Especially now that I have my own room, I probably could make some bomb grades right about now.~thoughts of a high schooler~ . I will take go take a shower which will be the highlight of my day =.=

Feelings and thoughts

I'm called ungrateful for not having the se fairy tale dream as you. I'm the worst child because I have a high pitched voice that sounds like I'm whining. I'm disrespectful because I corrected your mistake.

Age does not define you and unlike most people, I realized that. You should be wise when older but sometimes, it's not that way. Why compare me to another person? We are different people for certain reasons: different thoughts, different perspectives, different dreams/goals etc.

I can die in a luxurious way..is that what I should be grateful for? Everyone is materialistic but to an extent. You desire and appreciate materials whereas I desire and appreciate family (and I do not mean blood-related; create my own family), and being familiar+happy with things. I am once again miserable missing a place where it felt like home just for that short moment. 

Nobody wants to be an adult and have that many responsibilities but when you're stuck in a situation you can't get out of until you're an adult, you would crave and dream of moments when you finally get to escape and let your wings spread widly and stretch.

I hope to stop beig misunderstood and I hope for people to stop being wicked. I am not a toy, my life is precious. I will not walk the way you position me to walk because I have a mind of my own so I will walk the path it tells me to go. I am not selfish, i am just older. You expect me to hibernate in this birds nest my whole life like the others but I WILL NOT. Soon I will be able to live my life. Until then, try to endure all the piles of crap being thrown at you. I will not give up like a coward, watch me.

Starting over

It's 8:30pm and I'm just feeling very sappy and I don't have internet nor my computer (except my phone) so I will try to go to sleep.

Burst bubble of thoughts

I somewhat do live by the saying "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all". When you're all upset, you can say a lot of harsh things that you don't mean. Instead of regretting, know when to stop talking. Now I don't think I will forgive this person anytime soon. I'm stuck in a sticky situation where I need support not hypocritical backstabbers.

It's 4:40AM and I'm wide awake wishing certain aspects of my life were better. (I don't know the exact meaning of "aspect" so hopefully I used it right- too lazy to google it).

I wish I could be smiling or actually, at this time..be sleeping. I'm sitting here with an expressionless face which seems quite pathetic to me right now. Sobbing will not change a thing about my life. Insomnia. Depression. Aniexty. I wish all three of you would leave my life permanently. You make my life harder than it really needs to be and I'm sick of it. I cannot promise that I will not think about dying but I will promise I will no longer try to die. You know why? It's really not worth it. I will not know whether or not my future will be bright if I'm dead. My friend told me that not every single day is bad which is true. I have more bad days than good ones but that might just mean my future will have more good days than bad ones. It will all pay off in the end. Nothing that pays off is easy like high scool and college so I should not give up so easily. I will eventually win this tug of war but of course, that is if I get off my butt and try. I guess I was just my shoulder to cry on which means friends aren't as important and I should care for them. I will be alone in two so I should think of it as a norm right now. 

The text in this post is not organized yet that doesn't matter since this is my blog and most likely only one other person would read this. Goodnight~ most likely will watch a drama rather than sleep

Happy Birthday to me!

I turned 17. My birthday wasn’t exciting at all mainly because I am still sick (and have been for a week and a  half now).  I woke up around 11 since school was cancelled due to ice storm (that has yet to hit by the way) and then I danced around the house for a while and then decided to clean. I drove around for a while with my older  brother and sister and we bough boba tea because I have really been craving it lately. afterwards, we went to get pho but my brother sister and didn’t want to eat that so we had korean bbq instead. It was pretty nice since the waitresses were so nice and we laughed a lot with them. also, the pork tasted the bomb!

I didn’t take a lot of pictures since I haven’t been self-camwhore for about 2 years now.  I might edit this and pictures through my phone but they aren’t as cool. I just felt the need to update because it was my birthday. It’s now 10:49 and I ate a couple cupcakes while sobbing because I am yet again feeling sad for some odd reason. I think I will lay in bed and watch a drama until I fall asleep. By the way, the drama I’m watching is ‘My Love From The Star’ and it’s pretty good! I really enjoy it so if you’re reading this right now and haven’t watched it, I highly suggest you do.

Thoughts in bed

I usually try to not write posts like this but I'm so pissed off and aggravated. Nobody freaking likes me like why. Everybody treats me like I'm pathetic and slow in the head like why.

Everyone makes me feel like a nobody and I feel very pathetic. I feel like if I walk through a hallway full of people, they will point their fingers at me and just laugh at me.

Am I that ugly to you? Will you not talk to me because I'm black? You got too many girls wrapped around your finger and that's why you treat me like useless trash? It's so frustrating and there is nothing I can do about it. I just sit here silently and wait until night time to cry about it. I feel like this cycle is endless. I don't even have a shoulder to cry on and it freaking sucks. I only have my damn self. Everyone says it's okay EVERYTHING IS OKAY. Will it be okay when I'm dead? Like really sometimes it's fine to feel this way but I feel like this all the time. It makes me feel like I'm better off dead than feeling this. I am surrounded by people yet so lonely. I may sound like a fruit bag for saying this but I'm literally screaming in the inside. 

My anxiety is coming back and I hate you all.